finally comes the time of the year again where ppl celebrate the festivities and celebrate the year that has passed, keeping the good memories and throwing again the bad.

this is also the time of the year where ppl make their NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS as well as their REFLECTIONS on the past year.

last nite someone asked for new year resolutions at a party and the answer was a swift "HAVE SEX", albeit in a drunken state. =) drunk words aside, i think the end-of-year/new year entry is always good because when you look back, you'll know the milestones you have accomplished and what nots and what else to try harder for in the new year.

so here goes.

looking back at 2011, it started after a quiet countdown at a hotel lounge in Sentosa with just 2 other ppl. quiet and small but somehow there's a unique quietness that i do enjoy. i rmb looking back at 2010 and wondered what i have done in the past year and i could still rmb that vivid sadness that struck me when i realised i din do very much. during the quiet exchange of resolutions, i made 2 simple wishes, to clear my debts and to pay for my mum's taiwan trip which i m proud to announce i finally managed to clear the former.

i suppose alot of the sadness i carried from 2010 affected much of how i led my life in 2011, i strived to accomplish many things and i will list them out later so that i won't feel like i have wasted alot of money and some of them i m really proud of are marked (*) and i will go on to give myself a pat on the shoulder aft each of them, literally.

1) Pole dancing: i m not proficient but if you give me a pole, i promise i will try a performance and it is something i had wanted to learn for a long long time.(*)

2) Bahasa Indonesia: i also happen to realise i m in fact a language enthusiast this yr but again, i learnt it cos it seems pretty useful but i still can't speak much of the language other than a few simple words. Determined to take level 2 this yr!

3) Choc making workshop: erm good attempt, mayb i'll try making it SOMEDAY?

4) Diving: obtaining my diving certification had really been the highlight of my year and i hope that in years to come, i'll still rmb that 2011 was the awesome year i became PADI certified, in CEBU no less made it all the more awesome! (*****)

5) Korean: this has been a language i've been wanting to learn for the past many many years (at least 5) and i've bought most of the supplementary from bookstores, downloaded podcasts and failed through my own procrastination. Other than diving, taking the final leap to take up Korean classes ALONE was no easy feat, and definitely the 2nd best highlight of the year! (****)

6) Braces: again something which i had wanted to do since sec sch, it makes me broke every mth but i strongly believe it's money well spent, aftall 10 years is alot of time for careful thought! putting braces also dev my strange fetish of checking out my teeth every other moment just to see if it moved! (***)

7) IPL: out of randomness, i finally overcomed my fear of the rumored pain and went for my virgin brazilian wax which also resulted in me spending a few thousands on the IPL but there is absolutely no regret, gg brazilian is definitely one of the best discovery of 2011 and something i would strongly recommend to all my frens! (****)

8) S2: on the last day of the year, i finally put my heart down and said goodbye to my S. there was a kind a sadness when i did the factory restore as i attach a kind of special emotion to my phone. but i can now lauch whatsapp without any delay.=) (*)

9) Motorbiked in krabi: more than a yr after getting my 2B licence, i finally rode a bike with a pillion no less all across krabi. it was great fun and adventure, no doubt somewhat dangerous which is why i included point 10! (****)

10) Safe: i've had quite my share of dangerous driving and threatening situations on the road, and i would really like to just count my blessings for whichever god which has blessed with safety for the past year as i do each time i safely arrive in the carpark. (*****)

sometime when i was constructing this post in my head, it did occur to me that though i managed to accomplish many milestones this year but i m still not happy and it got me thinking of what do i want in 2012. now looking at the list above, i do feel a sense of achievement and happiness and i suppose it hadn't been a bad year.

and through the year i've also learnt that working is tough, but it is impt that you like your job enough and it has to suit your character. other factors such as environment and pay etc do matter, but even when job hunting, dun just settle for sth just cos the pay is high, make sure it matches your character because only then will you excel and be happy with what you do.

for 2012, the things i wan are again simple and i hope i dun end up with too long a list eventually.

1) to be happier
2) to be less critical
3) to treat my family better

and the 2 goals i set myself with the top priority being what i failed this yr, to pay for my mum's tw trip and secondly to save some money!

♥ 7:50 PM

today had been a great day, leisurely fly a kite on a not too bad weather with one of my closest friends.

i came home, took a nap, and the day turned too.

my sis was upset that that i overslept and did not accompany her out as promised, and my brother shared a small portion of his life which never fails to disturb me and i get worried as this little "badness" if neglected will only get more and more severe.

will there come a day when it really become too late?

recently i had not been the happiest, struggling with those moments in life and facing the ugly side that i had come to recognise and yet unable to to reconcile. sometimes it surfaces and i brood over how i should go about changing things while there are other times where it simply laid ignored.

it set me thinking about new year resolutions and the meaning of family.

it strikes me particularly hard especially as the year is drawing to an end because i vividly remembered how upset i was last year at how little mildstones i had accomplished over the year and i look back at how this year had passed and i know that when the year closes, i would have quite a nice list as compared to last year.

the problem is, i still am not happy.

i now have a list of accomplishments for year 2011, but i realised that when it came to my family, i have been more than selfish. i can't help but ask myself wat have i done for each and everyone of this group of people, whom i may not be the closest to, but definitely more important than anything in my life.

to my aging parents, to my sister and to my brother.

i wished i could do more for them but i did less than wat i could have done. it hurts because i strived to do so many things this year, learn so many things and accumulated so many new experiences but i have failed to notice that i should have spent more on them than anybody and/or anything else.

the things i tried to change, the way i am unable to.

two months left and i will definitely try to do whatever i can to improve things. hopefully, when the year ends, i'll be able to appraise myself and be happy with the results i have achieved.

and they say deepavali is the festival of lights, hope this light can brighten up a portion of my life and lead me somewhere.

♥ 12:12 AM

today my friend asked me about my plans over ice cream.

i dun like it when ppl ask me that.

the answer is simple, i have no plans and i m not one to live by plans. the only plans i create are merely used for breaking.

i planned to NOT travel anymore this year.

i failed.

i dun like it when ppl ask, because i know too well that it's not right to not have plans. everybody needs to have a plan. RIGHT?

i suppose the saddest thing abt life is that we visualise how life would be when we "grow up", and then we do grow up and realise how vastly different it is from how we thought it would be. or mayb just mayb, that happens only to people who dun stick to their plans while those who do are probably leading the lives they have dreamed of?

ultimately at the end of the day, it's what you want in life. sticking to your plans is hard work, but it's probably gonna get you where you want to be. since now i m grown up, i can only continue to think abt the kind of life i want when i "grow old" and hopefully i won't grow old half as fast as i grew up.

thinking is hard work too.

♥ 10:28 PM

i think i wanna go somewhere.

i will read and i will write.
i will walk and document it all.

i will take some pictures and think through somethings.

mayb i could sew or i could learn to draw.

will i?

i think i wanna go somewhere.

♥ 2:32 AM

i feel like i m losing control of my life.

♥ 12:11 AM

i rmb the day when my friend told me she felt that i kept my feelings too much to myself and i also rmb the day another said i was "guarded" with my feelings.

that was a few months back and i have to admit that at that point in time i was surprised because you don't have to know me very well to know tt my wpm is abnormally high. in the end though, i couldn't help but admit they were quite right.

somehow, i can't and dunno how to say certain things. in fact, i realise tt very often the things i mention abt myself lack substance and i even catch myself looking rather awkward a couple of times when faced with qns. and it's really not that i mind ppl knowing that much abt me, but rather the incapability of saying it.

upon further examination, i also realised that ppl who see through expressions stresses me out quite alot because there is this intense need for me to have the informational advantage on myself, imposed over myself.


i m writing this at 5am cos it bugs me sometimes, n now happens to be one of those "sometimes" tt it's bugging me because i feel it's detrimental in the long term as you cannot get help in times of need when you dun even cry for help in the first place.


m i sounding like one of the many posts where i m trying to change who i m fundamentally again?

♥ 4:50 AM

was abt to ready for bedtime when i had the urge to revisit this long forsaken place. looking at the dashboard, i realised tt the last time i blogged was a good 2 3 mths ago?

the usual suspects such as time, work and what nots come up, and when i'm not meeting up with friends, i'll be working late in the office. no complains though, as this is the kind of life i yearn, just tt sometimes i can't help but feel the breakup then had truly been a blessing in disguise.

no doubt i've been spending way too many hours in the office, but i think the main reason i haven't really been blogging is the ability of twitter to update every event and emotion instantaneously tt we no longer have to write a story to share our lives. and honestly, blogging on a phone is kind of a chore, on top of the fact tt we all dun use our coms as much as we use to pre-smartphone era.


recently a spate of events took place too, and new stories are heard. sometimes i hear these stories and i wonder, the problematic gambler/abusive husband/estranged spouse was a loving bf too a long time ago and once upon a time, there was a time where marrying the man was the happiest day of your life.

then something changed. and everything changed. then that person you so happily married wasn't the same person anymore.

or maybe, you and i will be a different person then?

or mayb no one changes but one party suddenly departs?

but we'll nv noe will we?
only time will tell. will it be too late then?
we'll nv noe.

pessimistic. i noe.
but after all these, i wonder if i will still wanna get married in the future?

afterall, we pick and choose but at the end of the day, no one really noes what will happen at the end of the day until that day really comes?

♥ 12:06 AM