the following paragraphs are bits n pieces of my life for the past wk or so. things tt come to me when i lay wide-eye in bed or at times when i'm struggling with myself. writing them out, i sought not sympathy but rather, a higher level of understanding.* * * * * * * * * * * * * *
months n yrs. have it all come down this?the beginning to the end.months n yrs. how do we noe when it has ended?the feelings ever so real n intense.months n yrs. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
life nv fails to bring abt regrets. regrets caused by moments of impulse. one regret continues to haunt like a never ending nightmare.
only worst.
it's a nightmare tt nv fails to remind of the mistake, day n night. for a girl as young, as rash, as naive as me, should nv b occupied this way; brooding over sth so trivial.
day n night. the humiliation n consequence of my recklessness is drives me crazy whenever i m forced into reminder of the particular day.
whenever it creeps on me.
n it does not help tt the ppl i mock did a beautiful departure while the ppl i allowed to brainwash me continue their lives as usual. laughing between meals, as if i were a hilarious joke.
thinking of which adds to the shame suffered. i m an embarrassment to myself.
it'll b the joke of the century thinking tt writing it down will help ease the disservice i've done myself.
every reminder is, as bad as the last.
* ** * * * * * * * * * * * * * ** **
delusional tranquility shatters as easily as it is formed. only, it's harder to construct aft each time it has been shredded.
(referring to a few days ago.) vulnerability choked me as i lay awake as ever on my bed. like a horror flick, waiting to b engulfed into darkness.
waiting.
waiting for the wall of peace to erect once again.
waiting for the protection tt seems to have evaded me.
praying tt the next will b stronger n longer.
the cycle continues as the shield wears out n the wait continues. like a crab outgrowing its shell, a process of evolution to the much dreaded adulthood.
n my favourite phrase in times like these?
life is indeed, a cycle.
* ** * * * * * * * * * * * *
n today, the mood is neutral as ever. feelings of protection has soared to a high point as tranquility (deluded or not) comes back stronger than ever before, wounding ard me so tightly as if to say "i will nv leave u again."
a few other things have also dawned on me.
one, mayb god really has a template of wat ppl should go through in the course of their lives, taking into account their ability to cope with it.
mayb just mayb, there's a reason for everything He planted.
or mayb it's incarnation?
n the other thing which dawned upon me? i forgot.
typical.
